Want to be better at sex? Like anything in life, you'll need to practice

Want to be better at sex? Like anything in life, you'll need to practice

You want to be a cordon bleu chef? You at least learn how to boil an egg. You fancy that Olympic gold? You commit to a rigorous exercise regime and make sure you know the words to God Save The King.

You want to be mind-blowing in bed? Er… you watch The Big Bang for inspiration and realise you got the wrong end of the stick.

On her ‘sex and pleasure education’ Kama platform (and Kama app), CEO Chloe Macintosh asks: ‘Why don’t we train for sex?’ And we thought that was a really good question…

So, why don’t we?

‘Because we don’t have permission to,’ explains Chloe. ‘Shame around sex removes permission to engage. As women, we don’t think we have permission to touch ourselves for our own pleasure; men are not allowed to fail, they have to perform; and couples “fail” if they divorce. Many topics around love, sex and intimacy are set up by constructs that are unrealistic.

‘It was only after I separated from my husband and started to really 
dig into this that I started to learn, 
I started to practise, and with that came the amazing transformation that I want everyone to be curious about: pleasure is one of the very few things we can do for ourselves. It feels so good and we’re supposed to do it a lot.’

Is sex that important?

‘The question is: “Is sex important for you?” Usually, when something is important to you, you do something about it. If you want to be good at tennis, you take a few lessons before you show up on court and say, “I can do this”.

‘Why is sex one of the few things in our life that we want to be really good at but we don’t practise and don’t research? We rely on each other to learn. So if I’m lucky and get a really good lover, I will learn a lot.

‘But if I’m unlucky… We should rely on ourselves to know how to find pleasure and how to satisfy ourselves.’

How does Kama train people to have sex?

‘We bring together the potential of creating a practice that brings the body and the thoughts together. So putting my hand here and my hand here, I’m physically creating the connection.

‘Then I’m using my breath to create the cycle. And then I’m giving good intention. It’s literally just sending positive thoughts.

‘One of my early practices was to connect my heart and genitals in this way. Another was the mirror practice, which was looking at my vagina in a mirror for seven days in a row.

‘It’s one of the most important psychosexual practices to help with resolving genital shame. You look at yourself and you note the words that show up. Initially, mine were unpleasant and sad words, but over time I was able to feel more love, more compassion, more acceptance towards that part of my body just by looking at it.’

Is there any physical side to the training?

‘Absolutely. One of the most important factors in our overall wellbeing is the pelvic floor. Sitting is the new smoking. By the time you’re in your 20s, your pelvic floor muscles have started to atrophy. Because we’re not supposed to sit – we’re supposed to move!

‘When we sit, we turn our pelvis in a position that is bad for the spine, and on a chakra level that means you can’t move energy – so the pelvic floor has to be trained. If you’re not training those muscles, they shrink and so does the strength of your orgasm.

‘Improving the elasticity, flexibility and dexterity of the pelvic floor – through squeezing, pushing and holding exercises, plus working with the breath – can help resolve premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction, help people who don’t orgasm internally, and help those with pain in their genitals.’

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Some of your videos look pretty physical…

‘Ha! Often, in penetrative sex, the woman is quite passive and the guy is desperately trying to give her pleasure. It’s often friction-based and linear movement.

‘But you’re dealing with an anatomy that’s anything but linear: it’s three-dimensional, circular, and there are hidden pleasure points.

‘The point is to guide yourself and to find your pleasure points. To do this you need strength in your legs (so we do some lifting to strengthen them) and some breathing exercises when we push and twerk so you get stimulated on the front and back walls. And you need to rotate your hips so you can “visit” the entire area.

‘We teach men how to get flexibility in the groin because men have very little flexibility of the hips. If men can open their hips the sex technique is more “tilted” so you get a much better experience.’

What other sex subjects have you covered?

‘We cover what people are asking: anything from oral sex to “Do I have a prostate?”, “Do I have a G-spot?” From those questions, we research and collect information and build courses around it.’

You teach ancient wisdom too…

‘Because they understood the interconnectedness of mind and body. In Daoism, they consider pleasure and sexual energy to be a life force – and if they stop maintaining good sexual energy, they will lose arousal, lose the life force.

‘They understood the importance of orgasm and that full-body release: knowing it allows us to reset our nervous system and find homeostasis. Which is balance. And in balance, we restore and evolve.

‘We have such crazy lifestyles with no balance. We want to live longer and look younger but we expose ourselves to things that age us.’

So this is mental, physical, spiritual…

‘And emotional. Everything in my life has changed as a result of relating to myself differently because I really value pleasure and wellness now – and promoting pleasure as a way of making decisions that are right for you impacts your whole life.

‘I’m 47 and the sex that I have now is just a different experience. It’s my therapy, my exercise, my self-care.’

Go to the Kama app to view current educational videos. And for information on the upcoming courses – including Sexual Pleasure, Couple Intimacy, and How to Pleasure Your Partner – visit the coaching page.

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