DEAR DEIDRE: I AM falling hard for a girl but she is giving me mixed messages. We’ve had great sex both drunk and when sober.
One minute she wants me to stick around, the next she is very distant.
We are 23 and have known each other for four years. I have had a crush on her pretty much the whole time and we had our first date six months ago.
We had a nice time but she said she didn’t see anything romantic happening. “Fair enough,” I thought, happy to stay just good friends.
We met again a few weeks later and she invited me to her flat. When I said she looked lovely, she told me not to go catching feelings or I would be disappointed. But we had a fair bit to drink that night and ended up having sex.
The next heard from her a month later, when she invited me to a friend’s birthday party where I knew several of her friends.
I asked a couple of them if they thought she had feelings for me and got different answers.
She had told one friend I would make a great partner for “someone”. The other said her friend wants to be single and free right now.
I talked to her when we were alone. We kissed and went back to hers when the party ended and had sex again.
OK, we were drunk — but we also had sex the next morning, when we were sober. It was brilliant.
I was surprised and told her I didn’t expect it to happen when we were sober. She agreed but didn’t show any regrets. In fact, we spent the day together. She was affectionate, cuddly and asked me to see a movie with her the next day.
After that, her texts were just friendly. I don’t know how to read the situation. Do I tell her I want more and risk her backing off or just go with the flow?
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DEIDRE SAYS: It is not surprising you wonder where you stand with this girl. Your feelings have not changed since you first met and you know you would like to be more than friends with benefits. But she leaves you dangling.
Her friends seem to think she rates you but wants to be single right now. Her mixed messages towards you suggest either she is not sure about what she wants or about you.
You can choose to say nothing and go with the flow but the chances are things will carry on as they are and you will be none the wiser.
If you are open and honest with her, at least you can find out where you really stand. If she backs off, she would surely have done so anyway at some point.
Far better you take control and let her know you are not prepared to be messed around.
You will also avoid the risk of being more hurt further down the road if you both want different things from this situation.
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