Going out tonight?
Heading to the pub/club/bar with your mates?
Already dreaming of a frosty bottle of prosecco?
If so, I regret to inform you that you are deeply, unquestionably, irredeemably wrong.
Prosecco is disgusting. It’s the worst drink you can get, apart from milk coke, which is less of a drink and more of an abomination.
Prosecco, a sparkling wine from Italy, is sweet, lacking in depth of flavour and often served at room temperature.
It’s a drink which smacks of paper cups and standing awkwardly around because Karen from Marketing is leaving after two years of diligent service.
Or lukewarm bottles in a budget Airbnb because Laura is getting married for the second time but let’s not mention that it’s round two because it’s her hen and it’s her night.
Once upon a time prosecco was somewhat bearable. I remember drinking it in Italy in the noughties and thinking it was fine. But as with all nice things, the Brits got addicted to it and then ruined it.
Back in the 1990’s, thanks to Bridget Jones, Chardonnay was the drink du jour. Initially it was a nice, oaky wine. But the demand for it was so high that production became less about quality and more about shoving a load of oak in, to try and create a buttery flavour.
That poor production of Chardonnay, combined with the Footballers Wives character, meant that popularity tanked, giving rise to the expression ‘ABC’ (anything but Chardonnay.)
The same thing happened with prosecco. Suddenly people all over the UK were bonkers about a wine considered average to okay in Italy, and they couldn’t make enough of the stuff. The result? Soil erosion and pesticides.
So it’s not just an overly sweet and ubiquitous. It’s also bad for the environment. Our thirst for prosecco has ravaged the Italian countryside.
We should probably feel a bit embarrassed that we as a nation can’t just enjoy a nice thing for what it is. Buy a couple of bottles of prosecco a year, sip on it and accept it.
No no, we’re British. We have to start putting prosecco in cans so we can take it to festivals and drink it on trains.
We make t-shirts and tea towels and tote bags proclaiming our love for it. Start calling a sociable hour to start drinking ‘prosecco o’clock!’
We’re really not a people who calmly enjoy things with dignity.
There’s not much we can do about the mountain of prosecco tat we’ve accumulated (prosecco pong, REALLY?) but come on guys. Let’s just admit it. Prosecco is okay at best, and grim at worst.
If you like sparkling alcohol but can’t afford champagne, why not go for a cava?
It’s dryer, nicer and less environmentally troubling, the only problem with cava is that it’s hard to buy in bars because all the fridge space is taken up by its overrated Italian cousin.
Oh, and while we’re on the topic, gin is only okay and tonic is gross. Soz.
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