DEAR DEIDRE: SEX with my lover is wildly adventurous and satisfying as I enjoy being submissive, but I think he may be cheating on me – with guys.
I have been in a dead-end marriage for 12 years. My husband is a good person but does not give me what I truly need and does not make me happy.
We have come to realise that we are not well matched and we lead pretty separate lives but still live in the same house.
I am 34, he is 35 and we have a daughter of 11 and a son of nine. They are unaware of our troubles because we don’t argue and we do a lot as a family.
I realised that part of finding myself was to understand what I need in a relationship. I started to explore the idea that I might be submissive, in all aspects of a relationship including sexually.
I met a man online who swept me off my feet. He is 39 and in a hollow marriage rather like mine. I felt I’d met my soulmate.
Never before had I enjoyed so much variety in the bedroom and had so much fun socially. He may have taken me a bit out of my comfort zone but he is just perfect for me. We manage to meet in a hotel most weeks.
But today while he was in the shower I saw that his email was still logged on to my laptop. I did not plan to snoop but I saw he had signed up to a gay sex site, looking to meet other men.
I have asked him before whether he is bisexual and he said no, but I am broken. I thought he was perfect but he is not the man I thought I knew.
I haven’t said anything to him yet. If I speak to him about it I know he will say that it does not affect his feelings for me, and I do not need to know about it.
This man has given me the most amazing, exciting months of my life but can I accept that?
He is very open-minded sexually and thinks it is normal to involve other people in your sex life so he probably doesn’t think that would be cheating. I’m still married anyway, so how can I complain about cheating?
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DEIDRE SAYS: This has been an exciting adventure for you, but this man doesn’t care for you in any meaningful, lasting way.
He is using you to pursue his own agenda of pushing the sexual boundaries and will always put his wants before your needs.
Truth is, your self-esteem will be pushed lower and lower the longer you keep seeing him, quite apart from the risk to your sexual health.
I know you say your marriage is hollow but better settle it one way or the other than let your children think your lack of deep love for each other is normal. You may not argue but they will pick up on the lack of passion.
Stop seeing your lover, organise a sexual health check and tell your husband it’s crunch time – either you rebuild your love for one another or separate so you’re both free to find genuinely caring partners.
My e-leaflet Your Relationship MOT can help you give your marriage the best chance.
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